When these celebs went to the auditions of "Veena Ka Vivah".

Rahul Gandhi: Hey Baby, don't you know bal vivah is illegal in India. Jao mommy ko bolo complan pilaye. Shouts loudly: ADULTS ONLY PLEASE.



Vijay Malya: No no sir, the process is the other way around, first you have to marry her and then only you can plan Honeymoon sex and all.



Govinda: Triple ride is also illegal in India sir. P.S.: Please stop making movies now, don't make us kill ourselves.



Sky: Rakshabandhan pe aana bhai.



Sunny Leone: Use the backside door please. Light camera action.



Kamran Akmal: Sorry to say sir but you are not suppose to catch these balls.



N.D.Tiwari: FHM is not "Fuck Her Man" sir.



Parthiv Patel: Balika Vadhu's set is third from the right side.



Ashmit Patel: Is there anything remaining you are still curious about?. No, Okay go.



Mohd. Asif: Veena shouts from inside: No No No, he has a big ................. ego.



Manmohan Singh: Dude, she wants a puppy not a puppet. Manmohan walks off silently.



Rajniti Singh: Veena yells again : Ye nahi ye nahi, iski fadne me badi mastery hai.



Sachin Tendulkar: Why you sir? Sachin: What to do mate, Anjali keeps asking me for Sau-Ton.



Justin Bieber: Guy calls Veena and asks "Are you lesbian?" Veena: NO, ask Asif and Ashmit if you don't believe me", Guy: Okay. Next Please.



Harbhajan Singh: No no sir, wrong place you are at, no vacancies here.



Sidhartha Malya: One more time you blink that eye and I will smash your head. Told ya "I AM NOT THAT KIND OF A GUY".



Arnab Goswami: But ...But....But.....FUCK OFF.



Ravi Ashwin: Police police police, RUN.| Ashwin: But why?| Guy: Because Sunny Leone is here.| Everyone ran off only Ashwin got caught.

Few gifts which these people don't want from Santa.

Digvijay Singh: Scissors, because he already have a tongue. Aur aap sab jante hi hain ki uski zabaan kenchi se bhi tej chalti hai.


Anna Hazare: Free KFC meal coupons. Need I say more?


Manmohan Singh: An I-phone 4S, because he will not be able to access the most important and useful application "Siri", audio commands and all.


Om Puri: A bottle of Vodka, because we already know that "Sare neta chor, anpadh aur gadhe hain", no fun hearing that again and again. You know.


Poonam Pandey: Clothes. Huh, she doesn't like them. According to her publicity and clothes don't go well together.


Veena Malik: Anything without an ISI mark, because she herself is an ISI marked maal or item. As you feel comfortable.


Mayawati: A laughing buddhha, because when she laughs she actually look like one.


Asif Ali Zardari: 3 Nights stay in Islamabad. Poor guy....First was a leader of paralyzed Govt. and now got a paralyzed face. Pity!!


Barack Obama: Fair And Handsome, because the only reason he can be remembered by the Americans in future is that he is the first black president.


Rahul Gandhi: Diapers, because main Janardan Dwivedi aur Digvijay Singh ki naukri chinte hue nahi dekh sakta. So softhearted guy I am, Gosh!!


Anil Kapoor: Hair Remover Cream, because he already hired a gardener for that.


Osama Bin Laden: Umm, oh this guy is dead, I feel sorry for Digvijay Singh. :(


Lalu Yadav: A place in Comedy Circus, because his stand up comedy is working well in the circus oops Parliament, silly me.


Mahesh Bhatt: Itch Guard, because Itch Guard already declared if it's for Bhatt saheb then I SURRENDER.


Priyanka Chopra & Angelina Jolie: Lipstick, because a paint brush and Nerolac paint is doing great work.


Uday Chopra: A movie. Because he is doing a good job as the CEO of YTF entertainment sorry YRF (What's wrong with my keyboard today). Okay okay in simple words "Tusshar Kapoor give us enough headache, no need of Uday, Chunky and all".



Rajinikanth: Nothing, he is the one who give all those things to Santa.



Shahrukh Khan: A counting chart, because he is learning it from his movies' titles... Ra.One...Don 2.....3 Idiots. Oops sorry, 3 Idiots was Amir Khan's movie and it was a blockbuster, sorry SRGay.




And last but not the least: ME: Socks and Shocks (While decorating the tree). Please NO!!

Reality Reports.

(1)    Laloo Prasad Yadav to take part in “Comedy Circus” as a contestant, he will take part in the upcoming new version titles "Comedy Circus ka naya Chor", there is still confusion about his partner, at first producers thought about Lalu jee’s wife and former Chief Minister of Bihar “Rabri Devi” but she was unable to sign on the agreement form so they dumped the idea. Laloo jee even insist for being a judge of the show but the regular judges who themselves are very well known celebreties disagreed. Brother of Salman Khan (Sorry, I don’t know his name) and Archana Puran(i) Singh (People often call her “Laughing Budhhi”) explained their disagreement by saying that “If Lalu jee will become a judge then who will watch us”. Producer Vipul Shah told the reporters that “Comedy” is lalu jee’s forte and we all know where he works “Circus”. So we thought he will be a great choice for the sake of the show. Laloo jee is quite confident about winning the show, he said that “I have as many members in my family as many grapes needed to weigh equal  a blue whale so I can easily win in the voting thing”. One reporter named Deepak Rasiya  asked him "Sir, aap sansad me toh so jate hain yahan kaise jagenge? Laloo replied: Budbak, wahan ki baat alag hai, wahan woh speaker Archana ke jaise Jeans pehan ke nahi na aati hai.    

(1)    Sushma Swaraj to judge a reality dance show called “Midnight Dancers” on NDTV Imagine, now first let me clear that “Midnight Dancers” is not gonna feature ‘Bar-Balas’ so stop being excited. NDTV Imagine is a very popular channel for it’s vulgarity and irksome shows but this time they are all set to air a sober and family show. “There is no Rakhi Sawant  in this show, though she is NDTV' favorite actress so vulgarity ka toh sawal hi paida nahi hota” said the director of the show. “After the Baba Ramdev issue there are no doubts about Sushma’s dancing abilities so we chose her for this big responsibility”, the director added. Sushma is very excited and looking forward for it, she is gonna perform too, she will be dancing on hot  numbers like “Sheila Dixit Mar-Jani”and “Sonia UPA me fas gayi”. Farukh Abdulla had signed for the Co-Judge job with her. I hope Sushma will do a great job because she dances on her own tunes unlike Manmohan. 

      Meanwhile NDTV is also planning for "Rahul Ka Sawyanwar", yes I am talking about the "Gandi" family's chap. Though the producers were stunned at the auditions when they saw "Digvijay" arguing with a security guard. Diggi was yelling at him "I also want to apply as a contestant here, who are you to stop me", some creative team director told him that "Only girls can apply for it"! He replied "Inside I am also a girl, look how much I bitch about other peoples and Rahul Baba wants someone who take good care of him, everyone knows I am the best person for that job". Rahul also responded to this but there is no point writing his views here as everyone knows "He never makes sense". 

     

     

      If Rahul Gandhi is a youth icon of India then I am Lady Gaga. (Bonus)                                                              

Marriage: Signs, Symptoms and Causes.

A married man is always in trouble, when he starts forgetting all the dates (Wife’s Birthday, Anniversaries) or when he starts remembering all HIS dates.

Well you don’t have to wash your cloths after getting married, you will be washing her’s too.

After engagement : Yearn for her, After marriage: Earn for her & After kids: Learn Learn. In totality :YELL.

It will be the other way around, your office will become a place to have some peaceful rest after a hectic night at home.

She will be checking your cell phone when you’ll be busy dreaming of a better life and a better wife in the washroom (yep, that's where all men hides after marriage and fantasize good things), now you know who is gonna need some treatment in the evening.

Never ask your children that “Whom they loves the most? Mumma or Papa?” because they are too innocent to lie and the truth can hurt you both.

Every evening when you come home pretend that “You had a very tough day at work and you are super tired”, this might get you a good sympathy sex.

Don’t ask for “Bed Tea” in the morning unless you want to sleep in the kitchen from tomorrow, always compromise and enjoy your “Bad Tea” without complaining.

Never think of divorce and getting married again, the new one will come up with “New Ways” to Screw you up and you will only tell yourself “Oh, I need to get used of this too now”.

Two options for you- Love her parents or Love her parents: Because the only parents about whom she like to bitch about are yours.

Take her on holidays to different different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.

What? What about your friends? Huh, as if you gonna have some after marriage.

Don’t waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she will treat you like a clown anyway.

Never make her miss her favorite TV serials (Means no Cricket, no Soccer and no News) unless you want to see those serial’ scenes happening in front of your eyes in reality and that too to YOU.

Always treat her like God, means mistake is always your because only humans makes mistake not God.

In the end marriage is a process which turns a guy to Subdued from Dude.

More often it goes like this- Daring (decision), Engagement Ring,Tring Tring, Wedding Ring, Very caring, BoRing,  You and she in a RING and SuffeRing. 

Well yeah on the day of marriage ceremony Men wear SHER-WANI but after that never talks in a SHER-WANI.



Valentine tip for married people: Prefer happy hours and take a cab home please.
P.S. Don't say “I love you" to random people in the bar.



The awkward moment in front of a shopping mall where your wife enjoys Pani Puri and you just stand there holding her hand bag. People give you gay looks.



Husband: *Wakes up at 1 am* I am hungry.

Wife: Me too, go cook something.

Husband: But now me sleepy.

Wife: Me too, Goodnight.

Husband: I guess I won.




Lesson to be learned: Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an "Okay".




And the awkward moment when your wife cooks "Uthappam" and you shouts in excitement "Wow PARANTHE".



So the summary is that there are three stages of a relationship:
(1) We are made for each other.
(2) We are mad for each other.
(3) We are maid for each other.

Mehngai teri maar se, lut gaye hum bazar me.

Mehngai ki maar se mera hua  kuch aisa bura haal,

Pocket me paisa nahi, Kitchen me nahi chawal daal,

Sukh ke tinke jaisi ho gayi Body, pichak gaye gaal,

Chehre ki rangat ud gayi, hawa ho gaye sar ke baal.

Desh me badh gayi mehngai netaon ke bhrastachar se,

Kuch na bigda inka, bechare Ramdev daude salwar me,

Mahine bhar ki kamayi se bhi kuch la na paye bajaar se,

Pet ki trishna mita rahe hain hum sukhi roti aur aachar se.

50 Rs kilo ho gaye Aaloo aur Asman choo rahe hain Kande,

Yehi haal rahe agar toh jald hi khane ke ho jayenge wande,

Chahe koi kuch bhi bole hum toh kehte baat khari khari hain,

Cylinder hai khali kitchen me, par pet me khoob Gas bhari hai.

Abhi kal hi ki baat hai, hum gaye the bazaar lene ko tarkari,

Dekha ek bhai ka thaila bhara hua, lag raha tha bada bhari,

Curiosity badhi toh puch hi daala, Lottery lagi hai kya tohari?,

Woh muskuraye fir batlaye:Na, Hum toh naukar hain sarkari.

Fati pant hamari silate silate  ab toh pareshan ho gaya hai darji bhi,

Naukari dhoondte dhoondte ab khatam ho chuki hai sari Energy bhi,

Garibi me aata gila tab hua jab Bank ne Reject kardi Loan ki arjee bhi,

Poschim Bongo, WTH ye kya naam hua, yaar ye Mamta Banerjee bhi.

Aajkal hum toh bas yehi geet gungunate hain aur apne dil ka haal sunate hain....

"Jaa re jaa o mehngai....Na kar ye maara maari,

 ban ke dayan tu aayi...Lut li meri khushiyan sari,

 Jaa ke tu fir na aa re....Itna hunko na sata re,

 Jaane ka legi kya re...Yehi ek baat tu bata de.

 Jaa re jaa ..........♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯

On a serious note:

Chutki bhi gussa hai mujhse...uske School ki Fee jo nahi chukayi,

Biwi bhi ruswa hai mujhse..... uski sooni jo hai aaj fir se kalaayi,

Kaise samjhaun in sabko main ki... Kaisi dayan hai ye mehngai,

Aaj bhi khali hath lauta main, nahi la paya bimar Maa ki dawayi.!!

Love is a funny thing.

1.      Three stages of relationship:

(A)    We are made for each other.

(B)    We are mad for each other.

(C)    We are maid for each other.

2.      Only difference between “An argument with your boss and an argument with your GF” is that the boss at least pretends that he is listening.

3.      You don’t have to call your GF dumb, one can always figure it out just by noticing her choice.

4.      Three stages of sex:

(A)    Tri Weekly.

(B)    Try Weekly.

(C)    Try Weakly.

5.      Well the main theory is that “Love what you do and do what your GF/wife says.

6.      Dating two girls at once is like having loose motions and cough at the same time, you will run to find a peaceful place but you will end up shitting in your pants.

7.      Three stages of break up:

(A)    Weep.

(B)    Wipe.

(C)    Whoop.

8.      Be a man, don’t do anything on your GF’s requests…You are suppose to follow the orders.

9.      If all men are same why do women takes so long to chose one, Well who says they chooses only one. So always be prepare for competition.

10   Never avoid protections because there is a whole lot of difference between a married and an unmarried guy saying “I cried, she is pregnant”.

11   So here I am saying “Jokes apart”….. Always love her from the bottom of your heart……Never ever leave her alone never let her go away……Just face it with a steel heart no matter whatever comes your way.  

Anna Vs NIkamma

(1)    Ramdev incident me Ramdev ko salwar pehnani padi thi but Anna incident me Govt. ki salwar utar gayi hai.

(2)    Meanwhile N.D.Tiwari says that “The only thing I am missing in all this is Sushma’s dance”. If she can do it for Ramdev why not for Anna too?.

(3)    Since Karwa Chauth is approaching soon so all the women of India decided to write a letter asking permission for one day fast addressing Delhi Police.

(4)    India TV’ sources says that the reason behind Ramdev’ failure and Anna’ success is “Position of the planets Taurus and Saturn”. Baba fakinganand swami approved it.

(5)    Digvijay Singh told the reporters that he can support Anna only if he and his million supporters promises their help to find Osama JEE’ (His munh bole papa) dead body.

(6)    Our respected prime minister Dr. Manmohan Singh also expressed his views: ….. !!!

(7)    Ekta Kapoor in support of Congress announced two new TV serials titled “Na ANNA is desh (me) lado” & “Kahani chrrr prrr ki (starring Pee Chidambram)”.

(8)    Rohit Shetty finally decides to sign Manmohan Singh for Golmaal 4, he will replace Tushar Kapoor. While answering some questions about it Rohit said that “the title Golmaal actually suits his leadership qualities really well, though I am not sure about his acting skills but he is replacing Tushar so it  doesn’t really  matter”.

(9)    Manish Tiwari experienced a new kind of protest today, some women held up a “Sandal march” on his head and butts.

(10)  Lalu Prasad Yadav also responded to this big issue, you can check it by clicking the link given  : www.santabantalamejokes.com.

(11)  Rahul Gandhi was busy playing KBC on his computer and there was a question “Who was Mahatma Gandhi?” … He replied “ India’s Benjamin Franklin”. (His nurse who feeds him cerelac reported).

(12) In the end … Digvijay Singh again uttered in a loud voice that “there is RSS behind everything” in reply of a question which reads “Sir, Please tell us something about your birth and all?”.